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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064146">I Am Terrified</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casseopeia/pseuds/Casseopeia'>Casseopeia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek, Star Trek: Enterprise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftercare, Canon-Typical Violence, Dom Hayes, Dom/sub, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Not Canon Compliant, Past Relationship(s), Praise Kink, Subspace, sub Malcolm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:47:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casseopeia/pseuds/Casseopeia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hayes meets Malcolm in a bar the night before he's due to board Enterprise. Finding himself deeply attracted to the other man he conceals his identity and takes him home.</p><p>When the deception is revealed, Malcolm is furious and humiliated. Hayes attempts to make amends and realises he may have made a bigger mistake than he anticipated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>J. Hayes/Malcolm Reed, Malcolm Reed/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Am Terrified</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>You look good in leather, in bars<br/>Breaking things, breaking hearts</p><p>IAMX</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hayes is halfway through his beer when the two men walk into the bar. He has a good view of the door from his seat and its opening draws his eye.</p><p>He immediately recognises the taller man as Commander Tucker. He's boarding Enterprise tomorrow and he had taken some time earlier in the day to familiarise himself with the senior staff. He can't see the other man properly, hidden behind Tucker's bulk, but when they get to the bar he suddenly has an unobstructed view.</p><p>Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, his brain supplies, and he sucks in a sharp breath. The younger man is <em>stunning</em>. He's leaning against the bar, body half-turned towards Hayes, and laughing at something Tucker is saying. Hayes takes in the glossy dark hair and sharp cheekbones, feeling a flush of heat low in his stomach.</p><p>He's not in uniform, instead wearing a black leather jacket that hangs open, framing slim hips and long, lean legs. He's lithe, almost too delicate looking for a Head of Security, but Hayes knows from reading his file not to let his appearance decieve him.</p><p>The two men have their drinks now, but make no move to leave the bar. Tucker leans in close to Malcolm, hand cupping his shoulder as he makes some point, and Hayes feels a sudden flicker of jealously.</p><p>"You're being ridiculous," he tells himself firmly. He doesn't even know the other man, yet he finds himself wishing he could swap places with the Commander. He wishes that he was touching Malcolm, and that the brunette was hanging onto his every word instead.</p><p>He has to pass them in order to make his way to the toilet and feels a little thrill down his spine. He makes sure to glance casually at Malcolm as he passes and to his surprise, grey eyes look right back at him. He holds his gaze for a moment, although he doesn't stop.</p><p>When he returns to his seat he notices Malcolm's attention on him immediately. He looks him up and down and Hayes sees an appreciative look creeping into his eyes. He's making no attempt to be subtle and when Hayes meets his gaze, his lips quirk. He takes a sip of his drink without breaking eye contact and Hayes watches his throat as he swallows.</p><p>The skin is creamy and pale, and he thinks how <em>fucking good </em>it would look covered in bruises from his teeth. </p><p>"Get a grip," he mutters. Despite their difference in ranks, the nature of this mission makes Lieutenant Reed his direct superior and these are really not the thoughts Hayes should be having about the man he'll be working so closely with.</p><p>He knows he should go over and introduce himself, it's becoming blatantly clear that the man has no idea who he is, but he finds himself imagining guiltily what might happen if he doesn't.</p><p>Finishing his drink, he debates getting another, largely so he can watch Malcolm longer, when there's a sudden commotion at the bar. Malcolm is toe to toe with a man twice his size and they both look furious. From where he's sitting Hayes can't hear exactly what the issue is, Tucker seems to be trying to intervene, but he can see when the man aims a clumsy punch at Malcolm's jaw. He blocks it with effortless grace and then his fist connects with the other man's face and even Hayes can hear the outraged howl that follows.</p><p>Within moments a protesting Malcolm is being hauled out of the bar by a burly doorman and Hayes decides to skip the drink, following them out into the street. He hangs back, hidden in the shadow of the building, watching as an exasperated Tucker strides out and drags Malcolm away from the doorman he's still arguing with.</p><p>"God's sake Mal! Did ya hafta do that?"</p><p>Malcolm looks incensed.</p><p>"Did you not hear what he said?"</p><p>"Oh I heard," Tucker says grimly, "but ya coulda just ignored the prick!"</p><p>"I bloody well could not!"</p><p>The other man just brushes him off irritably.</p><p>"Whatever. Ah'm not in the mood for this crap Mal."</p><p>He turns on his heel and stalks away, leaving Malcolm, who scoffs angrily before turning and heading in Hayes' direction. He pushes away from the wall he's leaning against and steps into Malcolm's line of sight.</p><p>"That was one hell of a punch."</p><p>He makes no attempt to hide the amusement in his voice and some of the tension drops out of the younger man's shoulders. He stops in front of Hayes with a smirk, the leather of his jacket gleaming softly under the street light.</p><p>"Jay," he says by way of introduction holding out a hand.</p><p>Malcolm takes it and his grip is firm, fingers strong and calloused. </p><p>"Malcolm."</p><p>He tilts his head and gives Hayes an appraising look.</p><p>"I saw you watching me." </p><p>His clipped british accent is laced with a touch of arrogance and Hayes wants to push him up against the wall. Instead he hooks his fingers through Malcolm's belt loops and pulls him against his body.</p><p>It's a horrible decision, he knows all too well that this has the potential for disastrous consequences tomorrow, but he looks so beautiful and Hayes just can't resist.</p><p>"Pretty thing like you, I'd be a fool not to."</p><p>Malcolm's eyes have gone dark and he wets his lips with his tongue.</p><p>"Is that so?"</p><p>His tone is light and slightly mocking, he's trying to sound unaffected, but Hayes still hears the sharp intake of breath when he leans in close.</p><p>"Prettiest thing in that whole damn bar, sweetheart."</p><p>He lets go of his belt loops, moving his hands to rest on Malcolm's hips and when he doesn't pull away he gives in to his temptation completely. Hayes captures his lips in a hungry kiss and he groans, opening his lips and allowing Hayes to deepen it, surrendering with an ease that surprises him.</p><p>In the back of his mind he thinks that perhaps the danger of the impending mission has made him desperate for this last connection. </p><p>Firmly pushing aside the unpleasant feeling that he's taking advantage of the younger man, he guides him by his hips until he has him up against the wall, just as he wanted. </p><p>"Fuck." Malcolm sounds breathless and Hayes chuckles, low and dark.</p><p>"You like having a big man push you around, baby?"</p><p>He expects a sharp-tongued retort to his teasing, but Malcolm's eye slide shut and he swallows convulsively.</p><p>"Fuck, yes." </p><p>The open admission catches him off guard, this really isn't how he'd expected the interaction to go. He'd been anticipating a push back from the other man, that they would both struggle to maintain the upper hand. </p><p>He hadn't been prepared for such willing submission and lust begins to burn low in his stomach.</p><p>He removes one hand from his hip and tangles it in his silky hair, tugging his head back gently and kissing him again, hard. Malcolm's hands move to grip his biceps and Hayes hears the soft sounds of pleasure he makes in the back of his throat.</p><p>He keeps his hand in his hair, and moves his lips to the pale throat, exposed above the collar of his jacket. Hayes presses soft kisses against the skin before biting down possessively, leaving a dark purple bruise.</p><p>Malcolm moans, arching into him and he smirks against his skin. The smaller man is so responsive and Hayes wants to take him <em>apart</em>.</p><p>"You wanna take this somewhere nicer, sweetheart?" </p><p>He makes his voice a low growl and Malcolm agrees breathlessly. His eyes, when he raises them are almost black with arousal and his breathing is rapid. It's a short walk back to the Starfleet accomodation, but Hayes can't resist stopping several times along the way to pin Malcolm against the nearest wall and slide his hands inside the leather jacket, stroking the compact muscles under his shirt as their mouths meet. Each time seems to drive Malcolm a little crazier, and by the time they get to his room he's fumbling with the key, cursing when he drops it.</p><p>As soon as they're inside Hayes has him trapped between the door and his body, trailing open mouthed kisses down his neck as he pushes the jacket off his shoulders.</p><p>He taps his arms and Malcolm raises them obediantly, allowing him to remove his shirt as well. Hayes has to bite back a feral growl as lean muscle and smooth, creamy skin are revealed to his hungry gaze. He captures his wrists in one hand, pinning them above his head. </p><p>Malcolm whines and Hayes drags his thumb across his lips.</p><p>"Don't cry baby," he whispers, "I'm gonna give you everything you need."</p><p>Having carefully observed the way Malcolm is reacting to him, Hayes decides to test a theory, sliding his hand to grip firmly at the back of his neck. As he anticipates, Malcolm immediately slumps back against the door, going sweet and pliant in his grasp.</p><p>"Oh sweetheart," Hayes breathes, "look at you."</p><p>"So fucking good for me."</p><p>The noise he makes is so desperate it goes straight to Hayes' groin and he presses his body close to the smaller one under his hands, feeling the other man's need hot against him.</p><p>"Jay..." its a sweet little whimper and it has him groaning appreciatively into Malcolm's neck. He raises his head to take in the glassy grey eyes and slack jaw.</p><p>"I'm going to take you apart baby."</p><p>It's a promise he spends several hours making good on.</p><hr/><p>Malcolm wakes to his alarm, and groans at the aching in his body when he goes to move. Immediately memories of the previous night come flooding back.</p><p>He'd gone to the bar with Trip, he'd been thrown out for punching some homophobic arsehole at the bar and then-</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>Then he'd taken a complete stranger home and had what might have been some of the best sex of his life. He didn't even have the excuse of being drunk.</p><p>The sound of the shower running tells him that the stranger, Jay he remembers gratefully, is still here. He appears a few minutes later with a towel around his waist and seeing Malcolm awake, he comes over to press a quick kiss to his lips.</p><p>"Hope you don't mind, I needed a shower after last night." </p><p>He's smirking a little and Malcolm fights down a blush.</p><p>"No, I don't mind."</p><p>The older man dresses and Malcolm finds himself watching, admiring the way his muscles ripple as he moves. Malcolm feels himself colour as he remembers the use he'd put his impressive bulk to the previous night.</p><p>When he's done he turns to Malcolm with a smile.</p><p>"I should go, I need to get to work, but thank you for last night. I had a good time."</p><p>He leans down to peck him on the lips again before heading towards the door.</p><p>"Perhaps I'll see you around," he says almost too casually. Malcolm shrugs noncommittally with a half smile.</p><p>"Perhaps."</p><p>He leaves and Malcolm forces himself to get out of bed. He's a little sore, but not unpleasantly so, and he smirks to himself as he goes to take his own shower.</p><p>An hour later he's packed and ready, dropping his key at the reception before he leaves. He won't be needing it again.</p><p>The journey to Enterprise is short and he's soon on board, stowing his belongings in his quarters. For all his anxiety about their upcoming mission, it feels good to be back in familiar surroundings. He feels comfortable and at home on Enterprise, more so than he's ever felt.</p><p>He's anxious to get to the armoury and check over the modifications that have been made to the weapons while the ship has been in dock. He wants to get settled back in before the MACO contingent arrives and disrupts everything again. It's still a subject he feels sore about, privately feeling betrayed that Captain Archer had requested them personally. It feels as if the captain believes he's not capable of doing his job and Malcolm resents the implication.</p><p>He's in the armoury when they arrive and Malcolm receives a message to inform him that their commanding officer, Major Hayes, wishes to speak with him as soon as possible. He agrees, feeling a surge of irritation that he attempts to push down.</p><p>Nothing could have prepared him for the stupified horror he feels when the man who'd left his bed only a few hours earlier, walks into the armoury in full MACO uniform.</p><p>He has the grace to look uncomfortable himself and Malcolm thinks he even detects a hint of guilt in his eyes. He remembers his parting words and is hit with sudden, awful clarity. </p><p>Hayes had <em>known</em>. He'd known all along who Malcolm was and deliberately hadn't told him.</p><p>He immediately feels his face burn with humiliation.</p><p>"Lieutenant Reed," Hayes says politely and it sounds somewhat strained.</p><p>"I was hoping you may be able to brief me ahead of the mission, Sir."</p><p>If he wants to play at being professionals Malcolm can do exactly the same.</p><p>"Of course, Major." He keeps his tone deliberately crisp and cold, "If you'd like to step into my office?"</p><p>He gives Hayes the information he requires but its awkward and uncomfortable. When he leaves Malcolm swears viciously under his breath for what feels like a full minute.</p><p>He curses himself for his own stupidity. He'd allowed himself to be vulnerable, shown a side of himself he normally protects fiercely, believing his partner was a stranger he'd never have to face again.</p><p>He's seething with fury that Hayes has deceived him like this, but far worse is the crushing sense of shame he feels at his own behaviour. He had submitted to the older man easily and he feels a hot sting of humiliation when he remembers how he'd moaned and begged, allowing Hayes to pin him down and fuck him until he cried.</p><p>At the time he'd loved how exposed it made him feel, now the thought just leaves him nauseous.</p><hr/><p>Hayes feels a deep sense of guilt settle over him as he leaves the armoury. He'd already known what he'd done was wrong, but if he hadn't the devastated look on Malcolm's face would have made it abundantly clear.</p><p>He'd slipped into a cold professional mask quickly enough but Hayes could still see the rage and <em>hurt</em> in his eyes.</p><p>He has enough experience as a dominant partner to know that his actions have crossed a line, badly. That he had been gifted with Malcolm's submission and immediately abused that power.</p><p>He should have stopped as soon as he realised what was happening, should have explained who he was, allowed Malcolm the choice whether or not to give that side of himself so freely.</p><p>This is not a distraction either of them need on the cusp of such a critical mission. It's definitely not a conflict that Enterprise can afford and he knows he's going to have to try and find some way to repair the damage.</p><p>It proves to be virtually impossible.</p><p>Malcolm avoids him wherever possible and when he is forced to deal with Hayes, he's obstinate and confrontational. It feels like he's going out of his way to make life difficult for him, which Hayes thinks ruefully that he probably deserves. In any other circumstances he'd simply accept it, but it's his job to protect Enterprise and their animosity threatens the safety of the crew.</p><p>He attempts to make amends with the younger man one night when he's working late in the armoury. Malcolm is alone, sitting on the floor, surrounded by a labyrinth of wires that Hayes thinks would probably take him a week to make sense of. He's brought a peace offering of pineapple cake, which he sets next to him, crouching down so they're at eye level. Malcolm studiously ignores him and Hayes sighs.</p><p>"I'm sorry I wasn't honest Malcolm."</p><p>He says it softly but Malcolm's head jerks up as if he's slapped him.</p><p>"Don't call me that!" He snarls and his glare is so fierce Hayes is almost surprised it hasn't reduced him to dust on the spot.</p><p>"Alright, I'm sorry."</p><p>He pauses and tries to think of what he can say to try and persuade the other man to forgive him.</p><p>"What happened was a mistake, I understand that."</p><p>"Oh it was definitely a mistake." His tone is icy and Hayes flinches instinctively.</p><p>"I don't regret spending the night with you, but I shouldn't have gone about it that way. I broke your trust, I'm sorry for that."</p><p>"That's very admirable Major," his voice is heavy with sarcasm.</p><p>"But the thing is, I <em>do</em> regret spending the night with <em>you</em>."</p><p>That stings a little, even if he's not entirely convinced the other man means it, and Hayes sighs.</p><p>"We need to sort this out Lieutenant."</p><p>If a personal approach isn't working, perhaps a professional one will.</p><p>"Do we?" </p><p>The look Malcolm gives him is cold and hard.</p><p>"Do <em>we</em> have to sort this out? Or do <em>you</em> have to sort it, because I wasn't aware <em>I</em> did anything wrong."</p><p>Hayes pushes away a surge of irritation, reminding himself that it is, in fact, entirely his fault that they're in this situation.</p><p>"It's no good for Enterprise if we can't work together."</p><p>Malcolm is still working on the jumble of wiring in his lap, his movements now jerky and sharp. He curses vehemently when his hand slips and blood begins to run from a deep cut to his thumb.</p><p>He gets to his feet, striding away from Hayes to his office, back rigid with anger. Hayes follows him and watches him attempt to bandage it up.</p><p>"Here, let me..." </p><p>He reaches out to help Malcolm who pushes his hand away roughly.</p><p>"Don't touch me!"</p><p>"I'm trying to help you!" Hayes snaps back.</p><p>"Well don't! I don't need any help from you."</p><p>"Fine."</p><p>Hayes turns on his heel and walks away, cursing under his breath as he leaves the armoury. He'd hoped, perhaps overly optimistically, that he'd be able to at least smooth things over a little.</p><p>He goes to bed with a heavy feeling in his stomach. Despite everything he still feels an overwhelming affection towards the younger man. He wishes he could go back and undo everything, wishes he could have a second chance to do it all properly.</p><hr/><p>The incident in the armoury leaves Malcolm with a confusing mess of feelings.</p><p>He's still furious with the other man, still resentful that he's even here at all, but underneath his anger there's something else burning quietly. He finds Hayes incredibly attractive and the memories of their night together fill him with a kind of guilty thrill.</p><p>Malcolm has known for years that he enjoys a certain exchange of power in his relationships. Handing over control to his partner makes him feel free in a way nothing else can reach.</p><p>Hayes had understood his needs perfectly, had understood it even without Malcolm saying anything at all. Afterwards he had taken care of him, had held him while he came back to himself, fetched water and a towel for him without a second thought.</p><p>Hayes is clearly experienced, Malcolm thinks, but that also means he should have known not to do what he did. </p><p>Although the other man does appear to be genuinely sorry and in the back of his mind, Malcolm is aware that he doesn't know how much Hayes had drunk that night. It could have been a drunken lapse in judgement.</p><p>None of that is enough though, to temper the rush of humiliation he feels every time he has to deal with the other man. Or the seething resentment every time Captain Archer chooses the MACO unit over his security team. Every time Hayes implies his people are better trained, <em>more capable</em>.</p><p>He tosses in his bunk, turning the thoughts over and over in his mind and reaching no satisfactory conclusion. All he succeeds in doing is driving himself mad and preventing sleep from ever coming.</p><p>The next day he's already tired and irritable, so when he finds out that Hayes has gone over his head about training sessions for the crew he sees <em>red.</em></p><p>"You're not making this very easy." Hayes sounds exasperated.</p><p>"I'm not trying to make it difficult."</p><p>It's a lie and Hayes calls him on it immediately, which only enrages him further.</p><p>"With all due respect, I think that's exactly what you're trying to do."</p><p>"With all due respect? Is that what you call circumventing my authority?"</p><p>He knows it's incredibly childish arguing with the other man in the corridor like this but he can't help it, Hayes has done everything to suggest he has no respect for Malcolm. He can't help but wonder if the nature of their first encounter has made the older man think less of him.</p><p>Malcolm gets his way, and the majority of the training sessions are scheduled for the evenings, but it's a hollow victory and both men go their separate ways deeply dissatisfied.</p><hr/><p>Hayes thinks he'd happily throw the next person to irritate him out of the nearest airlock. The tension between himself and Malcolm is becoming unbearable.</p><p>In spite of how much it infuriates him, he finds the younger man's displays of temper incredibly arousing. He finds himself tempted every time to reach out and take a firm hold of the back of his neck, knowing he'd go pliant and sweet in an instant.</p><p>"Yes and then he'd throw <em>you</em> out of an airlock," he thinks to himself with the ghost of a smile.</p><p>He's alone in the gym, trying to work off the frustrations of the day, and he's starting to feel a little calmer when the man at the heart of Hayes' problems walks in.</p><p>
  <em>Wonderful.</em>
</p><p>He ignores Hayes, starting to practice his punches in front of the mirror and he finds himself watching his form with a flicker of admiration. He shakes himself out of it and decides to leave, not in the mood to spoil his evening with another pointless squabble.</p><p>"Are you leaving so soon?"</p><p>It might be his imagination but under the sarcastic tone Hayes thinks he might actually sound disappointed.</p><p>"I don't want to distract you."</p><p>"It's no distraction. In fact, I could use a sparring partner, if you're up for it."</p><p>He should say no. He should say no and walk out of the door, but he knows already he isn't going to. Apparently he just isn't capable of making a rational decision when it comes to Malcolm Reed.</p><p>It's clear from the start this is no training match. Malcolm is deliberately trying to hurt him and Hayes feels weeks of anger and resentment begin to boil over.</p><p>If Malcolm wants a fight, he's got one.</p><p>"Why won't you let me do my job?"</p><p>"Because you're here to enhance the combat capacity of this crew, not take over security."</p><p>He spite it out, face flushed with rage and Hayes simply gapes at him.</p><p>"Is that what this is all about? You think I want to replace you?"</p><p>He's undeniably stunned. He had thought that Malcolm's hatred of him was purely because of his feelings of humiliation at their night together, had never imagined it was because the younger man thought he was trying to take his job.</p><p>"I don't want your fucking job Malcolm!"</p><p>That stops him. Malcolm is still in a defensive stance, but he lets his arms drop to his sides, with a look of confusion in his eyes. He looks like a lost little boy and it makes his chest ache. He steps towards him, slowly, carefully, like Malcolm is a wild animal.</p><p>"When I saw you in that bar...you were so beautiful, I couldn't keep my eyes off you."</p><p>He makes his voice soft and gentle.</p><p>"I knew I should introduce myself, but I was weak and selfish. I knew there would most likely be nothing between us if I did."</p><p>Hayes takes a risk and steps even closer, until he's almost touching Malcolm. The other man doesn't push him away, instead raising grey eyes to meet his. They're full of pain and uncertainty, and Hayes swallows a sudden lump in his throat.</p><p>"You gave me something incredible that night and I felt like an absolute bastard when I realised how much I hurt you."</p><p>He's about to reach out and pull Malcolm to him when the ship-wide comm goes off and they hear Archer's voice.</p><p>"Tactical Alert. Senior officers to their posts."</p><p>They share a brief look of horror before they're scrambling to obey the order and everything descends into chaos.</p><p>Afterwards they're forced to go to sickbay where Phlox quickly realises they're lying about their injuries being from the alien attack. His pleasant face grows grave and Hayes knows the game is up.</p><p>Archer is furious, it's the first time he's ever seen the man truly angry, and he feels an unpleasant shame washing over him. Archer yells at them that he doesn't want to know who started it, but Hayes thinks guiltily that it was definitely much more to do with him.</p><p>Would Malcolm have felt so threatened by him if he hadn't given him reason to believe Hayes might not respect his authority?</p><p>If he hadn't gone over his head about the stupid training sessions?</p><p>Archer orders them to settle it and they both instinctively respond that it's already settled. When he leaves Hayes expects Malcolm to ignore him, but he surprises him by glancing over with a small smirk.</p><p>"Think we're dismissed?"</p><hr/><p>It takes Malcolm an hour of hesitating and second-guessing himself before he finally plucks up the courage to make the call.</p><p>"Bloody hell, Malcolm!"</p><p>The voice on the other end sounds genuinely delighted and Malcolm feels his face break into a rare grin.</p><p>"Hello Paul."</p><p>Paul had been his roommate when he'd first joined Starfleet and he had immediately gone out of his way to make Malcolm feel at home. There had been a mutual attraction from the start and Malcolm had ended up losing his virginity to the other man. He'd also been the first person to help Malcolm understand and explore the submissive side of himself.</p><p>Although they'd never been in a formal relationship, Malcolm still felt a great deal of affection towards him and he knew Paul felt the same. </p><p>"How's life in space, hotshot?" </p><p>"Complicated," Malcolm says wryly and Paul laughs out loud.</p><p>"What's his name?"</p><p>Paul has always been able to see right through him.</p><p>"Jay." Malcolm says after a long pause.</p><p>"His name is Jay." </p><p>To his mortification he feels tears begin to well up in his eyes and Paul immediately becomes serious.</p><p>"Oh Mal, honey...tell me what's wrong?"</p><p>Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Malcolm spills everything, feeling a sudden relief from the weight of everything he's been carrying since he came back aboard.</p><p>He tells Paul about the bar, about his night with Hayes and the meeting after on Enterprise. He tells him about the animosity and the fighting, about how confused he feels about everything.</p><p>Paul listens with quiet sympathy and when Malcolm falls silent he looks at him with such warmth and understanding that Malcolm feels like crying again.</p><p>"It kills me to think you've been carrying all that by yourself Mal. God I wish I could hold you."</p><p>Malcolm lets out a watery chuckle and Paul smiles fondly.</p><p>"I don't know what to do," he admits and the other man looks thoughtful for a moment before answering.</p><p>"Are you still attracted to him?"</p><p>"Yes," Malcolm says after a moment and Paul nods.</p><p>"Do you <em>trust</em> him?"</p><p>It's the question Malcolm has been turning in his own mind for weeks.</p><p>"I believe him that he is sorry about what happened," he says slowly.</p><p>"I don't think he ever intended to hurt me. He was careful to make sure I was ready and he took good care of me afterwards."</p><p>"Well that's something," Paul agrees. </p><p>"I can't tell you what to do Mal. All I can really say is consider what's going to make you happy. You deserve to be happy."</p><p>He gets a mischievous glint in his eyes.</p><p>"Remember the first time I put my hand on your throat when we were having sex?"</p><p>Malcolm laughs.</p><p>"Now <em>that</em> made me happy."</p><p>"It sure did. You came so hard you blacked out, scared the shit out of me!"</p><p>It lightens the mood and they settle into reminiscing about their time together and catching up on each others lives. After a couple of hours Paul yawns.</p><p>"It's been absolutely delightful to hear from you Mal, but this old man needs his beauty sleep!"</p><p>Malcolm nods and tries to put his gratitude into words.</p><p>"I- thank you, Paul."</p><p>The other man smiles.</p><p>"Anytime Mal, I mean it."</p><p>They say goodbye and Malcolm goes to bed feeling warm and relaxed for the first time in weeks. He'll worry about Hayes tomorrow he thinks absently, falling into an easy, peaceful sleep.</p><p>He's buried in his work the next day when Hayes comes to find him.</p><p>"Sir, I wanted to apologise for my behaviour yesterday," he says formally.</p><p>"That won't be necessary Major," Malcolm replies just as formally, pausing before he turns to Hayes with a small smirk.</p><p>"I gave as good as I got, don't you think?"</p><p>Hayes laughs in genuine amusement and Malcolm finds himself enjoying the sound. He notices several curious glances from his staff and decides to go on his break, making no attempt to stop Hayes when he follows him.</p><p>The mess hall is almost empty and they take a table in the corner, away from anyone who might overhear.</p><p>"I know you don't believe me," Hayes says after a few minutes of silence, "but I really am sorry."</p><p>"I do believe you." Malcolm says softly and the older man looks at him in surprise. He sighs, choosing his next words carefully.</p><p>"I'm <em>not</em> ashamed of that part of myself. But I am <em>very</em> selective about who I allow to see it, for reasons I'm sure you can understand."</p><p>He looks sharply at Hayes who nods, saying nothing.</p><p>"You're right that if I'd known who you were, I wouldn't have...pursued anything." </p><p>He stares into his mug of tea for a few moments, turning everything over in his mind before making a decision.</p><p>"Which would perhaps have been my loss."</p><p>He barely whispers the words, but he knows from the sharp intake of breath that Hayes has heard him. The other man reaches across the table between them, the tips of his fingers brushing Malcolm's where they're cradling his mug. The touch sends a shiver down Malcolm's spine, which he's sure isn't lost on Hayes.</p><p>"I should get back to work."</p><p>Hayes lets him go without protest, but Malcolm sees the hungry gleam in his eyes and feels butterflies in his stomach.</p><p>The chime goes off in his quarters later that night, and he feels suddenly sick with anticipation, certain that it will be Hayes wanting to continue their conversation.</p><p>Sure enough, when he answers it, Hayes is on the other side and Malcolm gestures wordlessly for him to come in. He's so nervous he's not sure he could form a coherent sentence if he tried.</p><p>As soon as the door closes behind him Hayes is stepping into his personal space, pulling him against his body and clearly not interested in talking. Malcolm gasps, suddenly weak with how much he wants the older man.</p><p>His kiss is dominating, possessive, and it makes his head spin, distracting him so much that he's unaware of the other man walking them backwards, until his knees hit the bunk. They tumble down onto the bed and Hayes immediately takes the opportunity to pin Malcolm's hands above his head, smirking wickedly at his breathless moan.</p><p>"I've been going crazy all day thinking about you," Hayes growls, "my pretty little baby, all spread out for me."</p><p>Malcolm whines low in his throat, Hayes' words turning him needy and desperate. He's known for a long time what being praised in this context does to him, but with Hayes it's reaching a level he's never experienced before.</p><p>"God...Jay!" </p><p>Hayes groans when Malcolm whimpers his name and lets go of his arms so he can pull his t-shirt off, tossing the garment on the floor. He immediately settles his weight over him again, placing his arms either side of Malcolm's head, caging him with his body.</p><p>He trails open mouthed kisses down Malcolm's throat, pausing to scrape his teeth over his pulse and leave several marks that glow purple against the alabaster skin.</p><p>Malcolm tugs weakly at Hayes' shirt and he sits back on his heels, letting him remove it. He takes a moment to admire the older man. His body is powerful and muscular, he's far bigger than Malcolm and the disparity in their size sends a shiver through him. Some of his thoughts much show on his face because Hayes chuckles, low and dark, pushing Malcolm back down.</p><p>He looks predatory, kneeling over him and Malcolm can barely breathe. His body moves of its own volition, arching up and Hayes curses. He leans down until his lips are millimetres from his ear.</p><p>"Look at you sweetheart, you need it so badly don't you?"</p><p>Hayes mouths at the sensitive skin behind his ear and Malcolm feels himself slipping into a familiar headspace, turning his head to give him access to more of his skin, wanting nothing but to please the other man.</p><p>"Please...oh!"</p><p>He grips both of Malcolm's wrists in one large hand and the other trails from his throat to his belly, leaving the nerves burning with sensation.</p><p>"So good for me, Malcolm."</p><p>His voice has lost its teasing tone, instead he sounds almost reverent. It strips the last of Malcolm's control and he surrenders himself completely to Hayes, crying out in ecstasy as the older man dominates him. His mind is blissfully blank, the only thing he is aware of is Hayes and the waves of sensations crashing through his whole body. </p><p>Afterwards he feels heavy and sated, unable to move limbs that suddenly feel as if they've turned to stone. Hayes simply gathers him in his arms, cradling Malcolm in his lap and murmuring soothingly into his hair, until he comes back to himself enough to lift his head.</p><p>He meets warm eyes and Hayes brushes his hair from his forehead tenderly.</p><p>"Hey sweetheart."</p><p>He presses soft kisses to his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose and Malcolm smiles shyly and snuggles closer against his broad chest.</p><p>"I need to get you a cloth and some water baby," Hayes says softly, attempting to untangle himself, but Malcolm clings on to him frantically, not ready to let go. To his relief the other man understands immediately and tucks him back against his chest, wrapping strong arms around him.</p><p>A few minutes later Malcolm loosens his grip and Hayes goes to the bathroom, quickly fetching some water and a damp cloth that he uses to gently clean his skin. When he's finished, he lays them back down in the bed, pulling the covers around them. Malcolm rests his head on his shoulder and Hayes lifts a hand to stroke through his hair.</p><p>"How you doing sweetheart?"</p><p>"Mhmmm...I feel all floaty." </p><p>He yawns deeply and feels Hayes chuckle softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>"Sweet dreams baby."</p><hr/><p>Hayes wakes with an unexpected warmth in his arms and it takes a moment for his consciousness to catch up.</p><p><em>Malcolm</em>.</p><p>The younger man is sleeping peacefully and the lines of tension that Hayes has grown used to seeing on his face have smoothed out. He looks so contented that he's reluctant to wake him, but they're both on duty and he still has to go back to his quarters to get ready.</p><p>He leans down and kisses his shoulder, smiling as the younger man groans and rolls over, blinking up at him with sleepy grey eyes.</p><p>"Is it morning already?" </p><p>"Unfortunately." Hayes answers with a rueful smile and Malcolm drags himself up until he's sitting on the bed, sheets pooled around his waist.</p><p>"How are you feeling?"</p><p>Malcolm takes a moment to consider but then he smiles.</p><p>"I feel good."</p><p>Hayes kisses him softly and then gets up, pulling on his discarded uniform.</p><p>"I should go, I need to get changed before my shift." </p><p>He pauses and fixes him with a serious look.</p><p>"We need to talk about this Malcolm."</p><p>The younger man nods in agreement, but he's staring at the bed and Hayes realises from the tense set of his shoulders he's getting the wrong idea. He places his fingers under his chin, tipping his head up gently until he meets his eyes.</p><p>"I'm not upset baby, I don't regret anything about last night, I just want to talk about it. Not talking is what got us in this mess in the first place."</p><p>Malcolm agrees to come to his quarters later and Hayes leaves, mercifully not coming across any of the crew on the way to his quarters. The fraternisation rules don't apply to relationships between MACO and Starfleet personnel, but he has no desire to make himself or Malcolm the topic of mess hall speculation.</p><p>On the way to his post he comes across Captain Archer who stops him and places a hand on his shoulder, fixing him with a penetrating look.</p><p>"Is everything resolved between you and Lieutenant Reed?"</p><p>Hayes considers his answer, his mind immediately wandering to an image of Malcolm underneath him, sobbing with ecstasy as he pushes inside his body.</p><p>"Yes Sir, there'll be no further problems."</p><p>Archer nods, "Glad to hear it Major. I need everyone focussed on this mission."</p><p>They go their separate ways and the morning passes uneventfully.</p><p>He joins Trip and Malcolm in the mess hall for lunch, ignoring the look of surprise that crosses the engineer's tanned features. Malcolm treats him with careful courtesy, but Hayes catches him sneaking little glances at him whenever Trip isn't looking. He lets his leg brush against Malcolm's under the table and sees the corners of his mouth twitch.</p><p>When Malcolm excuses himself to fetch another cup of coffee, Trip turns and fixes Hayes with a curious look.</p><p>"What happened to the two of ya tryin' ta kill each other?"</p><p>Hayes pretends to concentrate on cutting up his food.</p><p>"Captain Archer ordered us to settle our differences Commander. I simply thought lunch might be a good place to start."</p><p>Trip accepts his answer with a shrug and goes back to eating his own food, not looking up again until Malcolm rejoins them. He winces slightly as he sits which Trip notices immediately.</p><p>"Ya got a sore back or somethin' Mal?"</p><p>"Something like that," Malcolm agrees wryly and Hayes snorts with laughter, quickly turning it into a cough. If he notices, Trip ignores it, still looking across at Malcolm.</p><p>"Ya should ask T'Pol for some ah that Vulcan neuropressure stuff."</p><p>"Thank you Trip, but I think I'll handle it the old fashioned way. A few stretches and I'll be fine."</p><p>They finish their meals and Trip heads back to engineering. He and Malcolm both have work to do in the armoury and they spend the afternoon working in companiable silence, only speaking when necessary so as not to draw too much unwanted attention. Their change in behaviour has attracted enough odd looks already, although Hayes does observe that the tension in Malcolm's staff is noticeably reduced.</p><p>At the end of his shift he leaves Malcolm still working on some urgent repairs, which he promises in a whisper won't take long. He finds himself nervous, despite the previous night, irrationally afraid that Malcolm might change his mind and politely tell him it's all been a terrible mistake.</p><p>When Malcolm does finally arrive, he's discarded his uniform in favour of a black t-shirt and jeans, looking startlingly like he did the first time they met.</p><p>"No leather jacket tonight?"</p><p>Malcolm huffs out a laugh.</p><p>"It would have been a bit too conspicuous, don't you think?"</p><p>"Probably," Hayes admits with a smile.</p><p>He wraps his arms around Malcolm's waist and captures his lips in a gentle kiss, simply enjoying the feeling of the other man. Malcolm melts into it with a small sigh, curling his fingers in the fabric of Hayes' shirt.</p><p>He breaks away eventually, reluctantly, and goes to sit on the bunk, leaning against the bulkhead. He pulls Malcolm down gently until he's sitting sideways in his lap, one side of his body resting against his chest. </p><p>He brings one hand to rest lightly on the back of Malcolm's neck and the younger man turns his head slightly to press soft kisses to his throat.</p><p>"You're going to distract me if you keep that up," he warns teasingly and Malcolm smirks, looking a little flushed and pleased with himself.</p><p>"Is that a bad thing?"</p><p>Hayes tightens his grip ever so slightly on the back of his neck and watches with satisfaction as he immediately slumps down against his chest, going sweet and docile.</p><p>"We need to talk Malcolm," he says gently, "I want you to be good for me so we can do that, alright?"</p><p>"Yes Sir."</p><p>It comes out so softly and naturally that he's not sure that Malcolm even realises what he's said, but it's definitely not lost on him. It sends a rush of heat through him, making him feel suddenly incredibly possessive of the smaller man in his arms.</p><p>"Good boy."</p><p>Malcolm practically purrs at the praise and Hayes can't resist tilting his chin up and kissing him deeply. When he pulls away he sees that his eyes are glazed and he blinks a few times, coming back to himself with a shy smile.</p><p>"What did you want to talk about?" He asks quietly.</p><p>Hayes takes a moment to think about where he wants to start.</p><p>"I want you to know that I understand I was wrong to hide who I was from you. And I promise that nothing like that will ever happen again, baby." </p><p>He meets Malcolm's eyes so he can see that he means every word sincerely.</p><p>"The kind of relationship I want to have with you requires absolute trust in each other. I know I damaged that trust once, I won't make that same mistake again."</p><p>Malcolm shifts slightly in his lap and Hayes can see that he has something he wants to say, so he stops and waits patiently.</p><p>"When you came aboard and I realised who I'd gone to bed with...I was terrified."</p><p>He stares down at his lap and Hayes feels guilt settle heavily in his stomach.</p><p>"Letting people in doesn't come easily to me. I felt so ashamed of what I'd allowed you to see because I was afraid you wouldn't respect me as a result of it."</p><p>He hesitates for a moment before continuing so quietly Hayes has to strain to hear him.</p><p>"Sometimes I even wondered if you were going to tell everyone. If you'd done it on purpose, to try and undermine me."</p><p>Hayes feels his heart break a little for the younger man, truly understanding for the first time how much pain he has caused with his careless actions.</p><p>"Oh sweetheart. I'm so sorry I put you through all that. Please believe me that I never wanted to hurt you."</p><p>He presses his lips to his forehead, feeling the tremors running through the smaller body.</p><p>"You are a brilliant man, Malcolm, you have skills and knowledge I couldn't match if I tried. And I know you'd give your life to protect Enterprise and her crew. I could never not respect you."</p><p>He pauses, considering carefully how he wants to phrase his thoughts.</p><p>"I don't want to be your dom because I want to control you Malcolm, or make you feel like you're lesser than me."</p><p>Malcolm raises his head with a hopeful look in his eyes that makes his heart leap.</p><p>"I want to take care of you the way you deserve baby. I want to make you happy."</p><p>"I'd like that," he says softly and Hayes strokes his face tenderly before drawing him into a lingering kiss.</p><p>They remain curled together on the bed for some time, silently enjoying the warmth and security of each other. Eventually Hayes decides to ask the question that's been on his mind since the start of their conversation.</p><p>"Malcolm...did you mean to call me Sir?"</p><p>The younger man blinks in confusion.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I asked if you would be good so we could talk. You said yes, but then you called me Sir. I wasn't sure you were actually aware you'd said it."</p><p>Malcolm colours and stares at his lap for a few moments, his shoulders tensing.</p><p>"It's what I used to call Paul. It must have slipped out, I'm sorry."</p><p>"Who's Paul?"</p><p>He pushes away the leap of jealousy he feels firmly, deliberately keeping his tone light. </p><p>"He was my roommate at the academy," Malcolm admits after a lengthy pause.</p><p>"We were friends, he...was the first to introduce me to all of this. He used to like it when I called him Sir."</p><p>"Do <em>you</em> like it?"</p><p>Its clearly not the question Malcolm was expecting because he flounders helplessly for a minute before Hayes takes pity on him.</p><p>"It's not a trick question Malcolm, I'm just curious."</p><p>"Yes," he whispers.</p><p>"Thank you for telling me," Hayes says gently and he's pleased to see the tension dropping from shoulders.</p><p>"I talked to Paul about this," Malcolm says suddenly, giving him an anxious look, which he meets with a steady gaze.</p><p>"What did he say?"</p><p>"I told him I didn't know what to do. He said I should do what would make me happy."</p><p>"He sounds like a good friend," Hayes says honestly and it earns him a sweet smile from the other man.</p><p>"He really is. I'm grateful to him for a lot of things."</p><p>"You were never in a relationship though?" </p><p>Malcolm looks thoughtful.</p><p>"We were...fond of each other I suppose. I lost my virginity to him and he helped me accept my desire to submit. But we wanted very different things out of life. He got married to a man from his hometown a few years ago and they just adopted two children."</p><p>Hayes finds himself laughing.</p><p>"I can't imagine you as a father."</p><p>Malcolm snorts with amusement and gives a mock shudder.</p><p>"God forbid."</p><p>He reaches a hand up to trace Hayes' jaw gently, grey eyes soft, and he catches it in his own, bringing Malcolm's fingers to his lips. </p><p>"Jay.."</p><p>Hayes decides he'll never get tired of hearing his name on the younger man's lips and he shifts them both until Malcolm is straddling his lap, running a hand down his spine to rest at the swell of his backside.</p><p>"What is it, pretty baby?"</p><p>"You're not upset? That I told Paul?"</p><p>He looks anxious again and Hayes presses his lips against his neck in reassurance.</p><p>"No, sweetheart, I'm glad you have someone you can talk to about this."</p><p>Malcolm loops his arms around Hayes neck with a satisfied hum and they kiss languidly, until he feels desire beginning to pool in his belly and the exchange between them grows suddenly more heated.</p><p>Hayes takes him gently, telling Malcolm how good he is, how sweet and perfect, until the other man is incoherent with pleasure. By the time they both reach their peak, the intensity has tears glittering on Malcolm's eyelashes and Hayes thinks he's never seen anything so beautiful in his life.</p><p>Exhausted, Malcolm curls in his arms after he's cleaned them both up, like a sleepy kitten, and Hayes holds him tightly. He drifts off to sleep with the thought that he's been unbelievably lucky.</p><hr/><p>It's several weeks later when Malcolm finally gets the chance to speak to Paul again. Their busy schedules have meant they've been constantly missing each other, but they've finally managed to find a spare couple of hours.</p><p>Malcolm is sitting on his bunk in between Hayes' legs and the older man has his arms wrapped loosely around his waist, leaning his chin on Malcolm's shoulder.</p><p>Paul grins broadly as soon as he sees them and Malcolm blushes, but he can't help the answering smile that spreads across his face. He makes the necessary introductions and they quickly settle into a comfortable conversation.</p><p>Paul talks at some length about the twins and even over the long range communication, Malcolm can see the happiness shining in his face. He tells Malcolm that his husband Joel has just been promoted, and that they're planning to remodel their home to make it big enough for their growing family.</p><p>Malcolm listens and feels a tightness in his chest, suddenly overcome with emotion. Hurtling through space towards an enemy that terrifies them all, he takes joy in the knowledge that Paul and his family are safe and happy on Earth. He thinks that this is why they are here, on a mission they know they might not return from, so that people like Paul and Joel can raise their children in peace.</p><p>As if sensing his thoughts, Hayes pulls him closer and Malcolm turns to press a grateful kiss to his temple.</p><p>"You look really happy Mal," Paul says softly, with a fond smile. </p><p>"Just so you know Jay," he says with a playful look that turns serious as he continues, "if you ever hurt him again I will personally come to space and feed you to the nearest hungry alien."</p><p>"Understood," Hayes replies, but he's looking at Malcolm.</p><p>"I'm gonna take very good care of my man."</p><p>"I'm glad to hear it."</p><p>The conversation moves on and they talk a while longer before saying their goodbyes, promising to talk again soon. </p><p>Malcolm reaches over, shutting off the communication and then squeaks in surprise as he suddenly finds himself pinned underneath the older man, a hungry gleam beginning to creep into his eyes. A hand grips the back of his neck and he feels himself go limp, head turning fuzzy with desire.</p><p>"Mhm..Sir...please!"</p><p>"Oh my sweet baby," Hayes growls, "I love you so <em>fucking</em> much it hurts."</p><p>Malcolm allows himself to float away on a wave of euphoria, secure in the knowledge that Hayes will always be there to catch him when he falls.</p><hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was inspired by two lines of an IAMX song and spiralled way beyond where it was originally intended to go.<br/>I have a huge soft spot for Hayes and Reed, and while I do tend to write Hayes kind of out of character, in my head he's very different in private!</p><p>Hope you enjoyed reading, please feel free to leave feedback, it's always welcome!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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